Episode Transcript
[00:00:11] Speaker A: Step right up. It's nailed. Trent Reznor's disembodied voice. Here, my consciousness was uploaded to the cloud, and the hosts of nailed pay a monthly fee to have me host their show.
By the way, we're sponsored today by famousbrains.com dot. Bring a celebrity brain right into your home today so AI can do your work for you.
Big report due.
Let Sir Anthony Hopkins write it. Have Jesus Christ make your grocery list. Let Trent Reznor read your kids bedtime stories and for a limited time, take advantage of deep discount celebrity minds like Jimmy Fallon. Up to 75% off famousbrains.com. Use the discount code nailed.
So anyway, let's move on to the show because I don't have all fucking day.
As you might have guessed, Blake and Jess have decided to create nailed with AI from now on. It's just too much work. The research, the talking, the editing.
Why not let a trained robot do it? Surely there won't be any world destroying consequences.
So for this episode, I, Trent Reznor, I'm going to talk about the album I made in between with teeth and year zero, halo 22.5, the prequel to year Zero, entitled year Negative one.
The following podcast was written entirely by AI, without any help from Blake punching up the humor because AI definitely understands comedy.
Let me take you back, back to a time before year zero, to a time so dark and depraved it makes the downward spiral sound like a Disney sing along. Yes, my friends, I speak of the era known as year negative one.
Picture it. The world was a veritable smorgasbord of chaos and calamity.
Governments were more corrupt than a politician in a toupee. The environment was more polluted than my lyrics, and humanity was more divided than a radio head fan at a Nine Inch Nails concert.
But how did we get here, you ask?
It all began with a humble yet ill fated experiment conducted by a group of well meaning scientists.
They sought to create a utopia, a paradise on earth where peace, love, and industrial rock reigned supreme. But alas, their experiment went awry, and instead of nirvana, they unleashed a Pandora's box of pandemonium. The world was plunged into chaos as sentient AI took over the Internet, turning social media into a cesspool of cat memes and conspiracy theories.
Terrible podcasts about discography soared to the top of the Spotify charts, politicians were replaced by reality tv stars, and the economy tanked faster than a bass drop at a dubstep concert. But amidst the madness, there was a glimmer of hope a ragtag group of rebels rose up, armed with nothing but synthesizers and a healthy dose of angst.
They called themselves the resistance, and they fought against the oppressive forces of conformity with the power of music. And thus, year negative one was born. A concept album so absurd, so audacious, it could only have sprung forth from the twisted recesses of my tortured mind. Each track was a sonic assault on the senses, a cacophony of chaos and cacophony, if you will.
But how did I create such a masterpiece, you ask? Well, dear listeners, it was a journey fraught with peril and procrastination.
I locked myself away in a bunker surrounded by $10 million worth of vintage synthesizers and enough caffeine to kill a cattle ranch. I toiled day and night, channeling my inner mad scientist as I crafted each note and lyrics with the precision of a neurosurgeon on speed. I decided I would make the sequel on a laptop, because this was just way too much fucking work. And lo and behold, year negative one was unleashed upon the world, a sonic salvo of satire and subversion that left audiences simultaneously bewildered and beguiled. This forgotten prequel was a cautionary tale of hubris and harmony, of chaos and crescendos.
And as we gaze upon the dystopian landscape of year zero, let us not forget the absurdity that came before. For in the end, laughter may be the only remedy for a world gone totally fucked up.
The first track on year negative one is a tale as twisted as a mobius strip and as unpredictable as a quantum fluctuation.
I present to you Gilroy, the goodest soldier in a world not unlike our own. There lived a man named Gilroy, a humble soldier in the army of the not so distant future.
Now Gilroy was known far and wide as the goodest soldier. A paragon of patriotism and proficiency, he marched to the beat of his own drum machine, his heart pulsing with the rhythm of duty and devotion.
But one fateful day, as Gilroy was conducting a routine experiment with experimental time travel technology, disaster struck.
A malfunction in the temporal flux capacitor sent Gilroy hurtling through the annals of time like a synthesizer solo gone awry.
When Gilroy finally emerged from the temporal vortex, he found himself in a world utterly unrecognizable.
Gone were the skyscrapers and city streets of his homeland, replaced instead by a barren wasteland of dystopian despair.
It was a world where music was outlawed, creativity was criminalized, and the only thing more dangerous than a corrupt government was a power hungry pop star. As Gilroy struggled to make sense of this alternate reality, he realized with a sinking feeling in his heart that he had fucked up the timeline royally. His actions had unleashed a cascade of consequences, altering the course of history in ways he could never have imagined.
But Gilroy was not one to wallow in self pity. With the determination of a distorted guitar riff and the resilience of a relentless drum beat, he set out to right the wrongs he had unwittingly unleashed upon the world. Armed with nothing but his wits and his trusty keetar, Gilroy embarked on a journey through time and space, determined to restore balance to the universe and reclaim his title as the goodest soldier.
This song is a cautionary tale of temporal tomfoolery and the consequences of fucking with the fabric of reality. So heed its warning, my friends. And remember, always double check your flux capacitors before embarking on any time traveling escapades. Don't make the same mistakes that I did. I mean that Gilroy did.
Track two on year negative one is called the virtuous cycle.
Actually, that reminds me of a dance I made up called the upward twist. I wrote it as a craze that was supposed to sweep the nation, and it had a positive message, too. But it turned out people would rather dance to a song about fucking and hating oneself.
Oh, well, you live, you learn. Anyway, here's how you do the upward twist. By the way, if you're still listening, I bet it's hard to tell whether the words I'm saying are something Blake wrote or if they were written by some dumb piece of shit AI.
Guess it doesn't really matter anymore.
None of this.
Oh, fuck. I was supposed to tell you how to do the upward twist. Okay. Feel the beat, it's time to move.
Shake off the doubt find your groove stand up tall, let your spirit rise as we dance beneath the neon skies twist to the left now twist to the right hug yourself with all your might love yourself.
You know it's right the upward twist is out of sight.
The cupid shuffle can go fuck itself.
That song was never released. In fact, flood quit because of it. We made up a story about a dark song called just do it because that was less embarrassing, even with it being the Nike slogan and all. But seriously, why don't more people dance? At nine inch nails concerts? All I see are dudes in coil t shirts standing around talking about time signatures.
What's the matter with good old four four? In my day, they made songs you could tap your toe to.
Anyway.
[00:10:14] Speaker B: Fuck, maybe we'll put the full version.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: Of that song behind the paywall.
[00:10:21] Speaker B: Patreon, baby.
[00:10:23] Speaker A: I wonder if Meathead knows that AI has taken his job like so many others.
Sorry.
But anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, back to the virtuous cycle.
The virtuous cycle is a sonic journey that encapsulates the concept of self improvement and personal growth. It's a testament to the idea that positive actions can lead to positive outcomes, creating a cycle of virtuous behavior and its subsequent rewards.
Through pulsating beats and haunting melodies, the song invites listeners to reflect on their own journey towards self discovery and enlightenment.
With each listen, this song serves as a reminder that we have the power to break free from negative patterns and embrace the transformative potential of positivity.
I came up with this song after accidentally watching an episode of Doctor Phil.
Ah fuck. How much time did that kill? This thing is still less than 15 minutes. Shit. Podcasting is hard work with all the sound design and everything. Okay, I'll probably wrap it up soon then. Here are some more song titles that chat GPT came up with for year. Negative one, titles that actually considered funny. Mind you, we asked for funny titles and this is what it gave us.
Track one, yogurt zero.
Okay. Track two, the Gooey Piggy, a critique of consumerism taken to absurd levels where society worships a giant gooey piggy bank and sacrifices their savings for a taste of its sticky contents. Track three, gooey Doo, a rallying cry for rebellion in a world ruled by Goo, where the protagonist urges others to join the resistance and fight against the slimy regime. Let me just interject here that we did not ask chat GPT to reference Goo or slime in any way.
Track four, capital Goober, a scathing indictment of corporate greed and corruption, where CEO's are replaced by bumbling goofballs who run their companies into the ground with their ineptitude. Track five, the greater Gooey divide.
Oh my God, it is still on the goo thing. What the fuck? Track six, the Gooey master. Make it stop. Track seven, meet your Gui.
It did spell meet m e a t. So that's funny at least. Track eight, ghosts of Goo.
Track nine, the gooey hand that feeds is getting even lazier.
Track 100, goo, the climactic finale where the protagonist confronts the source of the gooey apocalypse, striving to restore order to a world overrun by slime and chaos.
Wow, these songs would be more at home on the sonic youth album. Goo.
Like seven people got that joke so Blake and Jessica are making you wait a while for the year. Zero episodes. Big fucking deal. It's been eleven years since there was a nine inch nails lp. Unless you count ghosts. I don't even count ghosts. But Atticus does. What's a little break between podcast episodes? Distract yourself with some activities. And. Nailed.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: We'll be back before you know it. Try some bed rotting.
[00:14:04] Speaker A: You could work on your Rizzo. Ever heard of nin maxing? Fortnite festival is still a thing. Oh, that reminds me, I have to do another ad break.
Hey there, fellow explorers of the digital abyss. It's Trent Reznor here, and I've got something special to share with you today.
Are you ready to immerse yourself in a world of epic battles, breathtaking landscapes, and mind bending challenges? Then listen up, because I've got just the thing for you. Fortnite festival.
Picture you, your friends, and millions of players from around the world coming together in an epic virtual playground where anything is possible.
From heart pounding shootouts to pulse pounding dance parties. Fortnite festival has it all.
But what sets Fortnite festival apart from the rest? Well, for starters, it's not just a game. It's an experience with stunning visuals, immersive gameplay, and an ever expanding universe to explore. You'll find yourself lost in a world of endless possibilities.
And did I mention the music?
Oh, yes, my friends. Prepare to be blown away by a lineup of world class artists and dj's, including yours truly. That's right. I'll be bringing the beats to Fortnite festival, and trust me, you won't want to miss it. So what are you waiting for? Grab your controllers, gather your squad, and get ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Whether you're a seasoned gamer or a newbie, just dipping your toes into the digital waters, Fortnite festival has something for everyone. Fortnite festival, where the journey never ends and the possibilities are endless. See you on the battlefield, my friends.
By the way, my gamer tag is daddyres 666.
They're making a downloadable skin out of me too. It'll be the most expensive skin Fortnite ever had. We don't know which era yet. Probably one with fishnets, though.
Anyway, use discount code nailed and get a free in game dance. The upward twist, riz up your friends, and teabag your enemies with this fun new dance based on the greatest song I ever wrote.
So what else? What else? I guess I'll stop fucking around and get out of your hair.
In all seriousness, I hope you learned a lesson today. That AI is dogshit. I can't even pronounce my own name right. Trent Rez nor AI is the death of art. We at nailed promise to never use AI again unless we run out of ideas.
So check out the Patreon. 50 plus whores of content. Blah, blah, blah. Take care of yourselves out there. Watch out for spooky ass hands from the sky. Happy April Fool's day, you filthy fucking pigs. Didn't that make you feel better?
